“Our support engineers have now isolated the cause of the problem”

We’ve no idea how to fix this.

“Some customers will be affected by this issue”

All customers will be affected, but we figure you won’t meet them and compare notes.

“Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience that this may have caused.”

Don’t blame us, you’re on your own.

“We believe…”

We don’t know…

“Upgrade to the latest version”

…and you’ll get issues that make your current bug look like a feature.

“A security update is available”

Bug fix so shameful we don’t want to admit what it is.

“Service pack”

Everything we forgot in the main release.

“Under certain conditions…”

We don’t know why this happens.